A Hard Week

Happy Friday. I’m ready for the weekend.

This has been a very difficult week for me emotionally and spiritually. If I knew each of you personally who were reading this, I might tell you some of the reasons why. None of them are earth shattering. But roll them all together and throw in a couple of variables that makes it even harder right now, and I find them overwhelming. Today my circumstances don’t feel manageable at all. This trial is too big for me.

Maybe, you too, are in a similar season. As for me, I know more than ever, I must walk in Truth. I know I say that a lot. If you’re getting tired of hearing this, you probably don’t want to be reading my blog. Because here’s the deal. I suspect this trial ain’t gonna end any time soon nor the co-trials associated with it. It’ just a season of refining for me. That’s all.

I don’t mean, that’s all, like in, no big deal. It’s a very big deal. What I mean is, what’s happening is not complicated. It’s hard and scary and not much fun, but there’s nothing “unique” about it. If I listed what is troubling me right now, chances are you would say the same of either yourself or a loved one. You know it hurts because you’re in the same place! Or if not exactly the same place, similar enough that you can relate.

So, the point of writing this is not to complain that this is a hard time. And that it may stay hard for awhile. Rather, my goal is to encourage you, remind you that God is purposeful. His goal is to mature me not ruin my life. He knows how much I can take. I am positive that He and I don’t agree on what is “too much,” but I know that He is a better judge than I. Any time I felt like truly, enough was enough and I couldn’t handle any more, He did change the circumstances. So maybe I’m wrong. Maybe today is the day that God ends the trial.

I would really like that.

With my emotions all over the map, there is one thing I have purposed in my heart. I absolutely will not insult my precious Lord by making childish and insulting remarks to Him like “If You loved me, You would take away this hard time.” Or, You must not love me as much as You say, because I have asked you a hundred times to change this situation, and You just won’t.” No, I refuse to do this. My God is good. All He does is good. And in the end, I’ll see the value of this season. Even now, I see good in it. I’m just weary of it and I want the trial to be done. God knows this.

At the end of my life I may look back at this time and see it was a tiny trial compared to those which came later. Or, I might view it as unquestionably one of the hardest trials I ever had. Either way, there’s one thing I know. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I do not want to waste my sorrows. I want them to yield their perfect result.

This morning I sat on the couch with my open Bible and mug of coffee, just like I do every morning. Except this morning, in all my fear and discouragement, tears streamed down my face. I didn’t feel close to God at all. He seemed far away, and I was frustrated that He seemed unwilling to give me any answer as to when this trial would be over. (See the civil war within? I believe God for all He says, but then I see my circumstances and I get afraid all over again).

I did want to hear from God but I wasn’t expecting to – so unlike me. (See that’s the enemy of our souls whispering in my ear saying “God doesn’t care.”) You just cannot listen to that. I read two passages from two different devotionals.

The first was this, plain and simple:

I the LORD do not change. (Malachi 3:6)

This encouraged my soul deeply because I know how faithful God has acted through the ages and how faithful He’s been with me. What was important to God from the start is important to Him now. He loved me first, He will love me always perfectly. He will never leave me nor forsake me.

And the second:

Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.
(Psalm 71:19-21)

The entire psalm is chalk full of encouraging words and I’m hard pressed to pick which ministers to me most. Oh I just have to share this part, too:

In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.
Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me;
for you are my rock and my fortress.
(Psalm 41:1-3)

God will not allow my foot to slip. He will not. And He will not allow your foot to slip either. That’s a promise.

Have a great weekend everybody. Would it surprise you if I said that my heart is not quite as heavy as it was even 15 minutes ago?

See you Monday.